After 156 tweets, 90,000 impressions, 441 likes, and 83 retweets, here are my top tweets of 2016:
1. Ghost Insecurities
Ghost A: I’m really nervous, we’re going to get caught.
Ghost B: Dude, just act super natural.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) September 22, 2016
2. Dessert Opinions
I don't understand mint chocolate. I've never been eating a dessert and thought, "You know what would go great with this? Toothpaste."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 29, 2016
Can we all take a moment to appreciate that whoever coined the phrase “shut your piehole” knew the mouth’s most important function.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) October 13, 2016
4. Fist Bump Calculations
If I had to estimate the number of fist bumps I've given in my life, I'd say a ton. As in 2,000 pounds.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 23, 2016
5. School Attendance
I once had to miss class because of hypothermia. I was too cool for school.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 17, 2016
6. Humor with Spirit
If you miss an AA meeting, are you marked Absinthe?
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) April 12, 2016
7. Seriously, She’s Great
Calling me a momma's boy is a compliment because my mom is awesome.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 9, 2016
8. Interview Answers
Interviewer: Whats your greatest strength?
Me: I finish what I start.
Interviewer: Whats the last thing you finished?
Me: Daredevil Season 2
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) April 21, 2016
9. Movie Selection / Life Advice
As they say when picking a Tom Hanks movie, go Big or go home.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 17, 2016
10. Reading is Fundamental
I comprehend the thesaurus for merriment.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) January 8, 2016
11. Business Definitions
A travel agency is a business that peddles their wheres.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 22, 2016
12. Traffic Considerations
When I'm at a 4 way stop, it's amazing how quickly I go from "You can go ahead" to "if you don't move I'm going to murder you."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) January 27, 2016
13. Had People Rowling in the Aisles
I always forget who wrote Harry Potter… JK.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) August 18, 2016
14. Don’t Get Me Started on Bridal Showers
Oh, so it's fine when people throw Wedding Showers and Baby Showers, but I throw one little Meteor Shower and all the dinosaurs go extinct.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) August 5, 2016
15. Losing Your Mind
Clickbait headlines be like "President Lincoln goes to the theatre, you will not believe what happens next!"
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) April 13, 2016
16. Math Life
A: "The end justifies the means."
B: "Yup, that's how averages work."
A: "I'm talking about consequentialism."
B: "I'm talking about math."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) July 29, 2016
17. Clarify Next Time
"Oh, I thought you said 'Make yourself A home.'"
*crawls out of pillow fort made in friend's living room*
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) January 6, 2016
18. Concise Writing is Better
You know Dickens' editor was probably like, "Instead of best of times / worst of times, why not just say it was the okayest of times?"
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 19, 2016
19. Travel Health Advisory
Me: "Doctor, is this airport disease serious?"
DR: "Yes, I'm afraid it's terminal."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 1, 2016
20. He Who Laughs, Lasts
Whenever I make a joke that no one else appreciates I just have to laugh at myself.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) September 15, 2016