It’s no secret that I love puns and wordplay. At this point, it’s almost exclusively what I tweet, with 2012 being no exception. Over the course of the year, I had 319 tweets. My favorites are shared here.
- “How good are you with PowerPoint?”
“I Excel at it.”
“Was that a Microsoft Office pun?”
- You should buy stock in Altiods because their can fits well into a 3-piece suit. It’s a good in-vest-mint.
- Windshield wiper fluid is the most gangsta part of a car. It’s from the hood.
- I asked a man “is that a cigarette you’re smoking?” He said, “Close, but no, cigar.”
- I sold a 50 cent lollipop to a guy for a $1. Haha, sucker.
- “Hey Sherlock, what’s that grade before middle school?” “It’s elementary, my dear Watson.”
- Flight agent: “Your son is quite unruly. Do you want to check him with your bags?” Man: “Thanks but I think I’ll carry on my wayward son.”
- Did a winter activity last night while listening to 90’s rap. Yes, I went Ice Ice Skating (bun dun dun da da dun dun).
- A friend of mine is addicted to dressing like a nun. It’s such a bad habit.
- I’m waiting in line to get some ribs. Sometimes I hate barbequeues.
- At a slushie party for judges: “just ice will be served.”
- Too many grammar errors make me [sic].
- Better “late” than “never” unless you’re playing Scrabble.
- If you want to get a job catching lobsters, you have to be good at networking.
- A friend of mine was wearing a hideous looking pin on her shirt. I wanted to tell her but didn’t know how to broach the subject…
- My friend is going to marry a soccer player. I guess she’s a keeper.
- I rank playgrounds on a sliding scale.
- A man was accused of stealing cement but was released due to lack of concrete evidence.
- Before you criticize a British person, try walking 1.60934 kilometers in their boots.
- Deals that offer 60 of something for only 50 cents are a dime-a-dozen.
- In a rap battle, it’s one man verses another.
- Quasimodo? I don’t know who that is but the name rings a bell.
- If you think about it, shouldn’t “trial size” mean enough to serve 12 of your peers?
- If we talk philosophy at an Italian restaurant, I’ll give you some penne for your thoughts.
- Call me paranoid but ever since I joined twitter I’ve had this weird feeling that people are following me.