My Best Tweets of 2012

It’s no secret that I love puns and wordplay. At this point, it’s almost exclusively what I tweet, with 2012 being no exception. Over the course of the year, I had 319 tweets. My favorites are shared here.

  1. “How good are you with PowerPoint?”
    “I Excel at it.”
    “Was that a Microsoft Office pun?”
    “Word.”
  2. You should buy stock in Altiods because their can fits well into a 3-piece suit. It’s a good in-vest-mint.
  3. Windshield wiper fluid is the most gangsta part of a car. It’s from the hood.
  4. I asked a man “is that a cigarette you’re smoking?” He said, “Close, but no, cigar.”
  5. I sold a 50 cent lollipop to a guy for a $1. Haha, sucker.
  6. “Hey Sherlock, what’s that grade before middle school?” “It’s elementary, my dear Watson.”
  7. Flight agent: “Your son is quite unruly. Do you want to check him with your bags?” Man: “Thanks but I think I’ll carry on my wayward son.”
  8. Did a winter activity last night while listening to 90’s rap. Yes, I went Ice Ice Skating (bun dun dun da da dun dun).
  9. A friend of mine is addicted to dressing like a nun. It’s such a bad habit.
  10. I’m waiting in line to get some ribs. Sometimes I hate barbequeues.
  11. At a slushie party for judges: “just ice will be served.”
  12. Too many grammar errors make me [sic].
  13. Better “late” than “never” unless you’re playing Scrabble.
  14. If you want to get a job catching lobsters, you have to be good at networking.
  15. A friend of mine was wearing a hideous looking pin on her shirt. I wanted to tell her but didn’t know how to broach the subject…
  16. My friend is going to marry a soccer player. I guess she’s a keeper.
  17. I rank playgrounds on a sliding scale.
  18. A man was accused of stealing cement but was released due to lack of concrete evidence.
  19. Before you criticize a British person, try walking 1.60934 kilometers in their boots.
  20. Deals that offer 60 of something for only 50 cents are a dime-a-dozen.
  21. In a rap battle, it’s one man verses another.
  22. Quasimodo? I don’t know who that is but the name rings a bell.
  23. If you think about it, shouldn’t “trial size” mean enough to serve 12 of your peers?
  24. If we talk philosophy at an Italian restaurant, I’ll give you some penne for your thoughts.
  25. Call me paranoid but ever since I joined twitter I’ve had this weird feeling that people are following me.

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