My Best Tweets of 2013

Ignoring retweets and direct messages, I tweeted 323 times in 2013. 99% of those tweets were puns. Here are my 20 favorites from the last year:

1. Composers are unsung heroes of music.
2. I bet Ford Mustangs get stolen a lot. It makes sense for a muscle car to get jacked.
3. In highschool I was like butter on bread because I was honor roll.
4. When deciding between a life of poetry or a life of crime, you have to weigh the prose versus the cons.
5. Yo momma so FAT her max file size is 4gb.
6. I got kidnapped because I was too lazy to try to get away. If only I had ran some.
7. If I perfected cloning, I would be beside myself.
8. I overcharged a man for a fishing rod that I claimed was magic. He bought it hook, line, and sinker.
9. “Does this abacus work?” “I wouldn’t count on it.”
10. I’m so hip, old people break me.
11. Age before beauty, alphabetically speaking.
12. I can’t believe I didn’t win that essay contest; I’m at a loss for words.
13. I can’t stand when my legs fall asleep.
14. Do you buy used prosthetics from a second hand store?
15. A girl called me at 3am last night, drunk, wanting to go look for treasure. Just another booty call.
16. Sure worldwide is impressive, but what about worldlong?
17. “Whatever, you’re not my real ladder!” -What I say whenever I use my step-ladder.
18. “We should become pathological liars.” “Let’s not and say we did.” “That’s the spirit!”
19. I’d like to cancel my trip to this restaurant but I have my reservations.
20. I thought I could sit on a bench. Some guy told me I couldn’t. I stood, corrected.

Want to read new puns as they come out? Follow me on twitter.