My Best Tweets of 2018

Emotions are just data. Which I've learned is the wrong thing to say when someone is crying.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) August 27, 2018

Do you have proof you own this house? In deed.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) January 29, 2018

I've been seeing a therapy dog. He's very supportive but won't let me sit on the couch.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 15, 2018

Dear friends,
I appreciate that you still love me even though I'm obsessed with tic-tac-toe.
Sincerely, Drew. XOXO

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) January 30, 2018

I wake up around 6am Pacific Time every day. Granted, I live in NYC. #TuesdayThoughts

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) October 23, 2018

Grading in meteorology school must be pretty lax.
Teacher: "You got all of these answers wrong."
Meteorology Student: "True, but I could get them all right tomorrow!"

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 7, 2018

You can't get too caught up on the past. After all, the only time you can move forward while facing backwards is on a train. Or in a canoe. Or while roller blading or ice skating. Or moonwalking. Listen, the point is focus on the future.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) October 17, 2018

A: You complete…
B: Me?
A: …most of my sentences and it's kind of annoying.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 12, 2018

I lost a quarter once. I don't mean the coin, I mean three months. Where did the time go?

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 14, 2018

Co-working spaces: for when you work for yourself but you miss having coworkers to complain about.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 6, 2018

A: Help! I can't stop quoting 90's pop songs.
B: What do you mean?
A: Whoomp.
B: Oh, there it is.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) February 16, 2018

The US date format of Month / Day / Year is as easy as 2, 1, 3. #ThursdayThought

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 13, 2018

I eat my cereal at the end of the kitchen counter because I like to experience Life on the edge.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) July 22, 2018

Maybe I don't have a higher pitched voice, maybe I just speak at 1.5x speed.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 1, 2018

Whenever I order a drink at Starbucks, I give them one of the nicknames I always wished people would call me. "Vente green tea for Drudacris the Wise."

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) July 24, 2018

"For the last time, please stop telling people that I 'work the pole' for a living. I'm a firefighter."

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) April 27, 2018

I was in a contest to see who had the fastest pulse. Boy was my heart racing.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) February 8, 2018

I am an adventurous eater. Just yesterday I tried octopus while hang gliding.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 24, 2018

When one door closes another one opens, which is probably why there's always a draft in here.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 23, 2018

Helicopter blades are just ceiling fans with cooler jobs.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) April 8, 2018

I had an epiphany that maybe genies live in more than just lamps but we just never rubbed enough things to find them so, long story short, I'm not allowed back at the Brooklyn Museum.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 31, 2018

How bad were people messing up breakfast that we created the phrase "Egg on my face?"

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) April 22, 2018

I had coffee with a new acquaintance. At the end, I went for a handshake and he went for a hug and after the initial awkwardness, it was nice to know that now I can never see that person again.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) April 6, 2018

Crowd surfing is just rock stars doing a trust fall.

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) April 23, 2018

Pretty soon computers are going to be so human, I'm going to be socially awkward around them. https://t.co/oeCRK2zSC8

— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 26, 2018