My Best Tweets of 2011

I finished the year with 1,549 tweets all time, with around 300 tweets coming this year. Of those 300-ish tweets, here are my favorites from 2011.

Best One-Liners

1. Cereal for dinner? Life is good.
2. A guy asked me if I wanted some free fish. I asked, “What’s the catch?”
3. If you’re having router problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a switch ain’t one.
4. I want to open a pizza place called “Evil.” On the pizza box it would say “Delivered us from Evil.”
5. Mirror mirror, on the wall. Dresser dresser, on the floor. Light light, on the ceiling. Room room, checklist complete.

Best Observations

1. How do you congratulate the guy who operates the ball on New Year’s Eve? “Way to drop the ball there, Gary.”
2. I think I would drink more smoothies if they were called fruitshakes.
3. The biggest failure of the English language is that the word “palindrome” isn’t one. I propose changing it to “palinilap.”
4. Don’t get me wrong, I love football, but it’d be more exciting if the team names were literal. I’d watch giants play against cowboys.
5. When something is due by COB (“Close of Business”), I think we all agree it really means SONWD (“Start of Next Work Day”).

Best Stories

1. Got a massage at work today. Masseuse said it’s appropriate my name is Drew because I’m more than tense, I’m past tense.
2. The Reds won today! Non-sports fans: do not panic, this has nothing to do with Communism in America.
3. Today is Saturday, so I went for a jog, Da Drew Run Run Run, Da Drew Run Run.
4. Taught improv to a college class today. I think that moves me from amateur fessor to professor.
5. Thanks to being sore from rock climbing, 2 of my co-workers now think I’m weird because they found me stretching in a huddle room.