I wanted to try to be like some of those topical comedians that make jokes about current events and stuff.: Unfortunately I couldn’t find any newspapers, but I did find my old high school history book.: So here goes some topical humor:
- You hear about this Van Gogh guy?: He cut off part of his ear because he was scared his friend was going to stop hanging out with him.: Yeah, that would keep me around–I think he took “lend me your ear” a little too literally.
- This Abraham Lincoln character seems kind of shady.: I heard he’s lost a few other elections, what makes him think he can become President of the United States?: I also heard he’s a fan of theater, I wonder how that will play out for him.
- These Pilgrim people seem like interesting guests.: It’s nice to have company over, but I hope they don’t stay long.: I also find it weird that they left a place called Plymouth because they were unhappy, only to call the place they landed Plymouth.: That’d be like naming one of my children “Smallpox.”
- Hannibal seems to be tearing through the country–on elephants of all animals. Elephants actually make great war transportation; not only do they carry a lot of weapons, and always remember where they are, they work for peanuts too.
- This Mozart guy is making some pretty good music. And I just found out he’s deaf. How does that make sense? That’s like if Michaelangelo were blind or if Plato had no brain. Speaking of Michaelangelo, I think that guy is going to be pretty famous. I see nunchucks and the color orange in his future.
- Isaac Newton got hit on the head with an apple the other day. He started blabbing about something called gravity or something. Whatever Newtie, you got hit on the head. I stayed out in the sun too long today and you don’t see me making up something like too much direct sun exposure causes uncontrolled cell division.
