I wanted to try to be like some of those topical comedians that make jokes about current events and stuff. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any newspapers, but I did find my old high school history book. So here goes some topical humor:
- You hear about this Van Gogh guy? He cut off part of his ear because he was scared his friend was going to stop hanging out with him. Yeah, that would keep me around–I think he took “lend me your ear” a little too literally.
- This Abraham Lincoln character seems kind of shady. I heard he’s lost a few other elections, what makes him think he can become President of the United States? I also heard he’s a fan of theater, I wonder how that will play out for him.
- These Pilgrim people seem like interesting guests. It’s nice to have company over, but I hope they don’t stay long. I also find it weird that they left a place called Plymouth because they were unhappy, only to call the place they landed Plymouth. That’d be like naming one of my children “Smallpox.”
- Hannibal seems to be tearing through the country–on elephants of all animals. Elephants actually make great war transportation; not only do they carry a lot of weapons, and always remember where they are, they work for peanuts too.
- This Mozart guy is making some pretty good music. And I just found out he’s deaf. How does that make sense? That’s like if Michaelangelo were blind or if Plato had no brain. Speaking of Michaelangelo, I think that guy is going to be pretty famous. I see nunchucks and the color orange in his future.
- Isaac Newton got hit on the head with an apple the other day. He started blabbing about something called gravity or something. Whatever Newtie, you got hit on the head. I stayed out in the sun too long today and you don’t see me making up something like too much direct sun exposure causes uncontrolled cell division.
