In my 11th year on twitter, I slowed down on my number of tweets but still managed to find time to pun. Over 2019, I made 476 tweets garnering nearly 400,000 impressions, 1,378 likes, and 184 retweets. Here are my top tweets of 2019:
1. It’s Not Laziness, It’s Efficiency
I don't procrastinate but I do believe in just-in-time productivity. #MondayMotivation
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) January 14, 2019
2. Not a Good Sin
I'm so pale that the only time I get tan is when doing trigonometry.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 25, 2019
3. Rock the Baby To and Frodo
Idea: remake of the classic 1989 movie where the babies can talk, except they only say lines from Lord of the Rings. We could call it Look Who's Tolkien.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 21, 2019
4. A Blow to My Ego
Tried to go to a Sigmund Freud bar but I forgot my ID.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 26, 2019
5. A Light Perspective
I used to think if I found success, I would be happy. Then I realized if I found happiness, I would be successful.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 22, 2019
6. Here’s the ReCap
"Hi, welcome back to The Container Store. How've you bin?"
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 24, 2019
7. For When Your Relationship is Scrambled
If you fall in love with someone because they made you eggs, it means they whisked you away. #wednesdaythoughts
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) January 9, 2019
8. Are You Oak?
Waiter: Excuse me, you can't sit there, that table is reserved.
Me: It's okay, we don't need our table to be very expressive.— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) September 12, 2019
9. License to Sell
I want to get my real estate license but not tell anyone just so I can tell people I'm a "secret agent."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) August 14, 2019
10. Maybe My Humor is Shallow
People think it's funny to push friends into a pool. Not me, but then again, I have a dry sense of humor.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) April 25, 2019
11. The Only Option Left
What we call a blinker or turn signal, other countries call an indicator. Which I think is more accurate, because if you don't use it, it indicates that you're a jerk.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 16, 2019
12. I Feel Slighted
I failed a test to become a magician. There were too many trick questions.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 13, 2019
13. Rising to Royalty
For the Brits, remember that what you call a "lift," we call an "elevator." Going to fifth floor? Take the elevator. Need a ride? Call an elevator. Having cosmetic surgery? Get a faceelevator.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 14, 2019
14. This Could Swing Either Way
A police officer caught me trespassing on a playground. He let it slide.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 21, 2019
15. Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree
I bet waking up Isaac Newton was annoying.
Newton's mom: "Time to wake up, Ikey!"
Newton: "An object at rest stays at rest, mom!"— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 14, 2019
16. A Personal Hygiene Reflection
I don't think I'll ever be one of those people who can shave without a mirror, I just can't see myself doing it.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 19, 2019
17. Or Maybe It’s Both, of Course
If you have a round of golf that is subpar, does that mean it was good or bad?
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) August 18, 2019
18. Creating a Timberlake
The Ombla River is one of the shortest rivers in the world w/ a discharge of 23.9 m³/s (1,434,000 liters/minute). The average tear flow of an adult can be as high as 2.2 micro liters per minute. If you tell someone to “cry me a river,†you want them to cry for 1.2 million years. pic.twitter.com/MCbneyzJd0
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) July 15, 2019
19. I Misread the Signs
Thought I saw M Night Shyamalan on the street, then I got closer, and *surprise*, it wasn't him. Which is so M Night Shyamalan.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) September 13, 2019
20. To Do or To Don’t
If at first you don't succeed, put it down on your to-do list, only to reschedule it multiple times before eventually deleting the task.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 18, 2019
21. This One’s a Gas
They say laughter is the best medicine, but when it comes to nitrous oxide, medicine is the best laughter.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 27, 2019
22. Maybe It’s True for the Whole Human Race
I have a genetic predisposition to jogging. It runs in the family.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) July 20, 2019
23. Don’t Get It Twisted
The problem with trying to run away from a tornado is that you get winded.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 8, 2019
24. It Was a Turn Off
Went to an outlet mall. Not sure what I expected, they sold nothing but electrical plugs.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 15, 2019
25. Vive La Football
Revolutionaries would make terrible quarterbacks because they would overthrow everything.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) September 18, 2019
Want even more punny tweets? Follow me on Twitter @drewtarvin or check out my other best of twitter posts.
