In my 13th year on twitter, I took a little bit of a break. I only tweeted 123 times bringing in 113,000 impressions, bringing 717 likes and 59 retweets. And still I found some puns I really enjoyed. Here are my top tweets of 2021:
1. Though Hindsight is 20/20
A: Life is a blur.
B: Because it goes by so fast?
A: Because I lost my glasses.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 6, 2021
2. It’s Going Up and Up
The cost of balloons is going up thanks to inflation.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 21, 2021
3. The Only Time People Are Beneath You
I feel like the only time you should micromanage is when one of your employees accidentally gets shrunken down to the size of an ant.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 22, 2021
4. Or Savion Glover
I want to make a beer called Fred Astaire and only carry it on tap.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 23, 2021
5. I’m Also Odd
I just turned 37 which means technically I'm in a prime year of my life.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) February 13, 2021
6. Two Soon?
A friend of mine is a homophonic. He has no problem with gay marriage, but they better not say I dew.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 27, 2021
7. Do They Also Wear Cologne?
Do German managers wear leaderhosen?
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 11, 2021
8. Sometimes My Eye Twitches
If I'm ever kidnapped, I think people should know that I do NOT know Morse code. I don't want investigators thinking I'm sending a secret message. "Sir, I analyzed his blinking and he said, 'SDfja asadfkj bologna qwerty.'"
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) February 28, 2021
9. Tel me Mo
"Please, you have to help me. All the other beach hotels are fully booked. You're my last resort!"
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) February 14, 2021
10. He’ll Play a Guy Named Jack
A friend auditioned for a role as a car mechanic. He got the part.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 21, 2021
11. It Makes You Die a Little
Anyone else feel like the equivalent to talking while on mute is like pushing on a pull door?
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 9, 2021
12. Oh Hey You
"Nice to meet you." = I don't think we've met before.
"Nice to see you again." = We've met before and I remember you.
"Nice to see you." = I have no idea if we've met but I don't want to offend you if we have.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 7, 2021
13. Over There is Elmer
A: "I thought I asked you to put names on the trees in the arboretum."
B: "I did."
A: "So whatâ€™s this on the Quercus falcata?"
B: "I decided to name that one Nancy."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 25, 2021
14. Just a Bit Outside
The best part about an a capella group singing the National Anthem at a baseball game is that they can also throw out the first pitch.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 17, 2021
15. I Used a Ram
I had to transport some data over rough terrain. It was a hard drive.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) October 13, 2021
16. So Many People at the Golden Gate Bridge
The new "dress for the job you want" is "pick the virtual background where you wish were."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) September 23, 2021
17. We Were Able to Iron Things Out
A guy on the golf course was making snarky remarks about my game. He was just being caddy.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 9, 2021
18. They Were Made for Walking
I decided to buy some cowboy boots on a whim. It was spur of the moment.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 22, 2021
19. I Should Cross that Bridge When I Come To It
I want to become a chess player but Iâ€™m worried people will find out about my checkered past.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) October 21, 2021
20. Will You Marry Me? OaK
Not many people know this, but if you count the rings on a tree, you can calculate how many times itâ€™s been married.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 28, 2021
21. Bed and Banking On It
If you invest your entire live savings in a hotel, you're going all inn.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 2, 2021
22. In Case Someone is Plotting Against Me
I'm always a little on edge when I go to a cemetery. I feel like I'm in grave danger.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 22, 2021
23. Sometimes They’re a Bit Sketchy
Some people are just drawn to art.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 30, 2021
24. Read the Room
In a library, there's no talking aloud.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 9, 2021
25. At Least My Personality is Sparkling
Exasperated European waiter: You want yet another flat water?
Me: Yes, still.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) February 18, 2021
Want jokes in real-time? Follow me on Twitter @drewtarvinÂ or check out my otherÂ best of twitterÂ posts.