Wow, 12 years on twitter! That’s a lot of tweets. In 2020, I made 324 tweets garnering nearly 825,000 impressions, 12,409 likes, and 393 retweets. Here are my top tweets of 2020:
1. Over 7 Billion Served
I went to a self-esteem restaurant and asked, "Whats the special?" The server replied, "You are."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 6, 2020
2. Relationships are Teams
If you break up with someone you met online, that person is your WebEx.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) July 25, 2020
3. Death Row
I spent my morning locked in a cell. I wasn't arrested, I just couldn't figure out this one Excel formula.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 28, 2020
4. I Heard It’s Contagious
If you catch mono twice, does it become stereo?
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) March 6, 2020
5. I Can’t Stop Lying
When I say, "I'm sorry, I have to run to another meeting," I'm lying 3 times:
1) I'm not sorry. There's no reason this meeting should have been 45 minutes, Todd.
2) I'm not running anywhere, meetings are all virtual now.
3) My "meeting" is just me not being in yours anymore.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 1, 2020
6. The Doctor’s a Gas
Patient: can I administer my own anesthesia?
Doctor about to lose their medical license: sure, knock yourself out.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) October 11, 2020
7. Well Sed
Done is better than perfct.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 15, 2020
8. What Happens When You’re Board
A: "I really want to steal a board game."
B: "But what if you get caught?"
A: "That's a Risk I'm willing to take."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 23, 2020
9. Even Two is Pushing It
Whoever came up with the expression "three's a crowd" was probably an introvert.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) February 5, 2020
10. He’s Got the Dirt on People
My uncle was a real rags to riches story. He sold washcloths to the wealthy.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 13, 2020
11. Not Yanking You Around
I'm giving away a broken yo-yo for free. No strings attached.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) February 3, 2020
12. It’s Virtual Lip Syncing
The new version of the insult "The lights are on but nobody's home" is "He's in the Zoom meeting but his mic is muted."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) May 21, 2020
13. Everyday is Candy Day
Friend: What are you up to today?
Me: Mostly going out in a mask and eating way too much candy.
Friend: That's a good way to celebrate Halloween
Me: It's Halloween?
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) October 31, 2020
14. Some People Push My Buttons
Working as an elevator operator has its ups and downs.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) July 18, 2020
15. It’ll Be a Good One, I Swear
I've been wanting to write a joke about procrastination but…
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 24, 2020
16. I Saw a Snippet
I just watched the unreleased version of a documentary about scissors. It was the directorâ€™s cut.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) August 3, 2020
17. It Was in the New York Times New Roman
"Stay tuned for Breaking News about a new font. We'll be providing Arial coverage."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) October 28, 2020
18. At Least I Have a Ball
I love tennis. I don't mean that I like it, I mean that I usually score zero points.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) June 20, 2020
19. Weight a Minute
I've always been skinny. I asked my doctor, "what are the chances I can put on muscle?" His reply: "Slim."
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 17, 2020
20. Otherwise You’re Screwed
When you hire a handyman to hang pictures, make sure they are ethical. You want everything to be on the level.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) September 24, 2020
21. Party to the Break of Yawn
Boredom has negative sigh-effects.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) December 4, 2020
22. Circumstances Were Fishy
I kept falling asleep at my job at the sardine factory and eventually got canned.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) August 1, 2020
23. I Hope They Don’t Stress Eat
Sure, us humans are busy but alligators are swamped.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) September 29, 2020
24. Just Taking it for a Spin
How long will I play with this dreidel? 5 minutes, tops.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) July 22, 2020
25. Otherwise They’re a Waist
A belt makes your pants tighter than they seam.
— drewtarvin (@drewtarvin) November 19, 2020