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10 things that should be true, but aren’t:

  1. Soccer should be called football.  (American) football should be called soccer.
  2. Monday should be considered the first day of the week.  Sunday is part of the weekend, so it should be the end of the week.
  3. The world should be on one system of measure.  I don’t care if it’s metric or whatever it is we in the US call it, but, like Highlander, there should only be one.
  4. The English alphabet should only have 25 letters–get rid of the ‘Q.’  It is a worthless, copycat of a letter that can’t even be by itself most of the time.
  5. There should be a Chick Fil-A in Manhattan.  It should be open on Sundays and in close proximity to my apartment.
  6. The word palindrome should be a palindrome.  It’s confusing that it is not.
  7. Slow traffic should always keep to the right, no matter the form of transportation.  If you’re going to stand on the escalator, do it to the right side.
  8. Chicken should have the same health benefits as vegetables and be consumed as often as grains.
  9. “Shoulder” should be pronounced “shood-er” or “should” should be pronounced “shooled”.
  10. Puns should be heralded as one of the greatest forms of comedy.

Oh, and I guess there should be things like world peace and no starving children.  I also realize that #1-3 could be solved by moving to a different country, but I shouldn’t have to do that.

One of my goals for 2008 was to write a joke for every single day of the year. All 366 of them (thanks Leap Year!).

I succeeded, though not all of the jokes were great. You can read all of them here in this download: A Joke A Day 2008.

In it, you’ll get some of these solid gems:

Joke #4: I had to drive around the Jersey Turnpike. Man did that take its toll.

Joke #31: A leader of an orchestra was recently electrocuted, proving after all, he was a good conductor.

Joke #155: I have confirmation that I’m a huge computer geek. I was a restaurant and a waiter slipped and fell on the ground. I laughed to myself, “ha, the server crashed.”

Joke #320: I feel like “whats the worst that could happen?” is a pretty dumb question, because it seems to me the answer would always be death. Death could happen.

Joke #347: A friend of mine is the CEO of a mattress company. It’s not that he’s smart, he just slept his way to the top.

And some of these awful attempts:

Joke #6: I want to open a Pizza/Delivery shop. I’d sell pizza and also have a pregnancy ward. If your baby isn’t delivered in 30 minutes or less, you get a free pizza.

Joke #183: Why are fingernails called fingernails? It’s the only body part that’s also a tool. Is it because you always hit the fingernails when trying to hit a regular nail?

Joke #343: I heard Michael Jackson is coming out with a new kid’s cereal, which I think is inappropriate. The name is pretty cool though, “Snap, Crackle & King of Pop.”

Now that you know what to expect, enter at your own risk.

A Joke a Day (2008)