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best tweets of 2017

I was a busy tweeter in 2017 with 641 tweets, 150,000+ impressions, 810 likes, and 170 retweets, here are my top tweets of 2017:

1. 10 Marks the Spot

2. Purchasing Decisions

3. Restaurant Idea

4. Furniture Pride

5. The Stylus is Mightier than the Sword

6. Either Or Both

7. Grade Failure

8. The Menu is Comical

9. The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch

10. Tool Time Warnings

11. Roman Numeral Joke II

12. Inverted Sense of Humor

13. Just a Thought

14. The Future is Bright

15. English Should Be Better

16. What to Order

17. Puppies and Babies

18. Gotta Get FitBit

19. A Difference in Perspectives

20. Game is Fake, Results are Real

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best tweets 2016

After 156 tweets, 90,000 impressions, 441 likes, and 83 retweets, here are my top tweets of 2016:

1. Ghost Insecurities

2. Dessert Opinions

3. Phrasing

4. Fist Bump Calculations

5. School Attendance

6. Humor with Spirit

7. Seriously, She’s Great

8. Interview Answers

9. Movie Selection / Life Advice

10. Reading is Fundamental

11. Business Definitions

12. Traffic Considerations

13. Had People Rowling in the Aisles

14. Don’t Get Me Started on Bridal Showers

15. Losing Your Mind

16. Math Life

17. Clarify Next Time

18. Concise Writing is Better

19. Travel Health Advisory

20. He Who Laughs, Lasts

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best tweets 2015

2015 was another down year for Twitter for me with only 114 tweets (compared to 123 last year and 323 the year before). Overall it led to 61,452 impressions, 135 retweets, and 221 likes (aka the new favorites).

Here are my Top 20 Tweets of 2015:

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best tweets 2014

2014 was a slow year for me Twitter-wise, with only 123 tweets (down from 323 tweets last year). On a positive note, Twitter now shares more statistics, so I know those 123 tweets led to 25,535 impressions, 59 retweets, and 70 favorites.

Here are my top 20 tweets from 2014:

Of course if you want these nuggets of wisdom puns in real-time, follow me on twitter @drewtarvin.

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best tweets 2013

Ignoring retweets and direct messages, I tweeted 323 times in 2013. 99% of those tweets were puns. Here are my 20 favorites from the last year:

  1. Composers are unsung heroes of music.
  2. I bet Ford Mustangs get stolen a lot. It makes sense for a muscle car to get jacked.
  3. In highschool I was like butter on bread because I was honor roll.
  4. When deciding between a life of poetry or a life of crime, you have to weigh the prose versus the cons.
  5. Yo momma so FAT her max file size is 4gb.
  6. I got kidnapped because I was too lazy to try to get away. If only I had ran some.
  7. If I perfected cloning, I would be beside myself.
  8. I overcharged a man for a fishing rod that I claimed was magic. He bought it hook, line, and sinker.
  9. “Does this abacus work?” “I wouldn’t count on it.”
  10. I’m so hip, old people break me.
  11. Age before beauty, alphabetically speaking.
  12. I can’t believe I didn’t win that essay contest; I’m at a loss for words.
  13. I can’t stand when my legs fall asleep.
  14. Do you buy used prosthetics from a second hand store?
  15. A girl called me at 3am last night, drunk, wanting to go look for treasure. Just another booty call.
  16. Sure worldwide is impressive, but what about worldlong?
  17. “Whatever, you’re not my real ladder!” -What I say whenever I use my step-ladder.
  18. “We should become pathological liars.” “Let’s not and say we did.” “That’s the spirit!”
  19. I’d like to cancel my trip to this restaurant but I have my reservations.
  20. I thought I could sit on a bench. Some guy told me I couldn’t. I stood, corrected.

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best tweet 2012

It’s no secret that I love puns and wordplay. At this point, it’s almost exclusively what I tweet, with 2012 being no exception. Over the course of the year, I had 319 tweets. My favorites are shared here.

  1. “How good are you with PowerPoint?”
    “I Excel at it.”
    “Was that a Microsoft Office pun?”
    “Word.”
  2. You should buy stock in Altiods because their can fits well into a 3-piece suit. It’s a good in-vest-mint.
  3. Windshield wiper fluid is the most gangsta part of a car. It’s from the hood.
  4. I asked a man “is that a cigarette you’re smoking?” He said, “Close, but no, cigar.”
  5. I sold a 50 cent lollipop to a guy for a $1. Haha, sucker.
  6. “Hey Sherlock, what’s that grade before middle school?” “It’s elementary, my dear Watson.”
  7. Flight agent: “Your son is quite unruly. Do you want to check him with your bags?” Man: “Thanks but I think I’ll carry on my wayward son.”
  8. Did a winter activity last night while listening to 90’s rap. Yes, I went Ice Ice Skating (bun dun dun da da dun dun).
  9. A friend of mine is addicted to dressing like a nun. It’s such a bad habit.
  10. I’m waiting in line to get some ribs. Sometimes I hate barbequeues.
  11. At a slushie party for judges: “just ice will be served.”
  12. Too many grammar errors make me [sic].
  13. Better “late” than “never” unless you’re playing Scrabble.
  14. If you want to get a job catching lobsters, you have to be good at networking.
  15. A friend of mine was wearing a hideous looking pin on her shirt. I wanted to tell her but didn’t know how to broach the subject…
  16. My friend is going to marry a soccer player. I guess she’s a keeper.
  17. I rank playgrounds on a sliding scale.
  18. A man was accused of stealing cement but was released due to lack of concrete evidence.
  19. Before you criticize a British person, try walking 1.60934 kilometers in their boots.
  20. Deals that offer 60 of something for only 50 cents are a dime-a-dozen.
  21. In a rap battle, it’s one man verses another.
  22. Quasimodo? I don’t know who that is but the name rings a bell.
  23. If you think about it, shouldn’t “trial size” mean enough to serve 12 of your peers?
  24. If we talk philosophy at an Italian restaurant, I’ll give you some penne for your thoughts.
  25. Call me paranoid but ever since I joined twitter I’ve had this weird feeling that people are following me.

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best tweets 2011

I finished the year with 1,549 tweets all time, with around 300 tweets coming this year. Of those 300-ish tweets, here are my favorites from 2011.

Best One-Liners

  1. Cereal for dinner? Life is good.
  2. A guy asked me if I wanted some free fish. I asked, “What’s the catch?”
  3. If you’re having router problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a switch ain’t one.
  4. I want to open a pizza place called “Evil.” On the pizza box it would say “Delivered us from Evil.”
  5. Mirror mirror, on the wall. Dresser dresser, on the floor. Light light, on the ceiling. Room room, checklist complete.

Best Observations

  1. How do you congratulate the guy who operates the ball on New Year’s Eve? “Way to drop the ball there, Gary.”
  2. I think I would drink more smoothies if they were called fruitshakes.
  3. The biggest failure of the English language is that the word “palindrome” isn’t one. I propose changing it to “palinilap.”
  4. Don’t get me wrong, I love football, but it’d be more exciting if the team names were literal. I’d watch giants play against cowboys.
  5. When something is due by COB (“Close of Business”), I think we all agree it really means SONWD (“Start of Next Work Day”).

Best Stories

  1. Got a massage at work today. Masseuse said it’s appropriate my name is Drew because I’m more than tense, I’m past tense.
  2. The Reds won today! Non-sports fans: do not panic, this has nothing to do with Communism in America.
  3. Today is Saturday, so I went for a jog, Da Drew Run Run Run, Da Drew Run Run.
  4. Taught improv to a college class today. I think that moves me from amateur fessor to professor.
  5. Thanks to being sore from rock climbing, 2 of my co-workers now think I’m weird because they found me stretching in a huddle room.

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best tweets 2010

I tweeted a lot in 2010 (roughly 570 times).  There were a lot of bad ones.  Luckily there were also some I really enjoyed.  Repeated here for your groaning pleasure are my “best” tweets of 2010:

Best Jokes

  1. My tailor asked if I needed help trying on a tux. I said “No.” He said “fine, suit yourself.”
  2. Who’s #1? According to roman numerals it is I.
  3. Hey remember that time we ate those cute pistachios? That was pretty nuts.
  4. Just landed in Cincinnati and my ears won’t soda… wait, I’m Cincy again, I can say pop.
  5. If I dated a cosmetologist, I’d fight with her just to say “I’m sorry, lets make up.” Then she’d laugh and laugh and all would be well.

Best Observations

  1. Best part about revolving doors? If u go into the wrong building u dont have to make an awkward U turn. Just keep walking til you’re out.
  2. “Uniform” should never be singular. Unless there’s at least 2, it’s just “crazy outfit.”
  3. I like how the word “subtle” has a ‘b’ in it. It’s there, but it’s subtle.
    AND
    I like that when the word camouflage is said verbally, the ‘u’ is camouflaged with the ‘o’. Well done English.
  4. I propose a new rule: meetings can’t last longer than my laptop battery. Or my bladder.
  5. I sometimes intentionally hold the door for someone who is a tad too far away just to see them hustle to appreciate my courteous act…

Best Stories

  1. I was running late today so I made a sandwich on the subway. Not just ate… made.
  2. in a presentation this morning an IM notification popped up on the presenters computer. the friends screenname? bearcuddlers. awesome.
  3. JFK to LHR to GTW to GVA to CDG to EDI to LHR to JFK. happy to be back in the NYC.
    AND
    LGA to CVG to CMH to LAS to LAX to JFK.
  4. Sang a song tonight as a pregnant woman. my fetus and I did a duet.
  5. Fun last class show, and thoroughly enjoyed the entire 12 weeks. I’ll remember the wall and those bunnies for a long time.

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